Crime stats

After the recent articles saying that the UK has a higher violent crime rate than any other country in Europe, and higher than even South Africa (it was ranked UK, then Austria, then South Africa), Hayibo came out with this:

'Britain more violent than SA' stat vindicates burning of dockets

JOHANNESBURG. South African police authorities say recent claims that Britain is a more violent society than South Africa are evidence that the new official policy of burning dockets is working. "All the teens carry knives in the UK," said a spokesman. "Thank God our teens only carry assault rifles." He said that incidents of fatal stabbings with AK-47s were exceptionally rare.

"Some of the more conscientious officers at our stations have been expressing concern about burning the dockets," explained South African Police Service spokesman Whatmeworry Ndebele.

"We told them to shut up and keep pouring the paraffin or we'd send them to London to get knifed."

He added that it had also been easy to keep the SAPS's conscientious, competent and non-corrupt officers in line as there were only nine of them, and they could easily by monitored by colleagues.

"This report from the UK proves that we are winning the war on crime," said Ndebele. "Or at least the war on dockets."

Asked how it was possible that Britain was more violent than South Africa given the latter's staggering murder- and rape rates, Ndebele explained that murder and rape were not considered violent crimes in South Africa.

"Yes, the UK has 900 murders a year while we have about 19,000.

"And yes, the UK has 50,000 rapes a year while we have 600,000.

"But if you read our operating manual you will discover that so-called "murder" is in fact considered an interpersonal disturbance featuring a non-planned assisted cardiac arrest.

"It's really more a medical accident than a violent crime. Malpractice by laypeople, if you will.

"And rape, well, if you're asking us to classify rape as violent crime then you're also asking us to consider women to be people, and that's a bit of a stretch."

He said that every morning he thanked God that he lived in South Africa with its extremely low rates of assault-rifle stabbing-related crime, and that he was proud to be able to walk down any street in the country knowing that his Kevlar body armour would probably stop most of what was being fired at him, as long as they aimed at his chest and not his head.

Meanwhile British police have conceded that the new statistics have come as a shock and that they will have to start emulating their South African counterparts by burning dockets if they are to improve their country's reputation.

However, they asked the British public to remember that the numbers had been affected by the different definitions of "violent crime" in Britain and South Africa.

They pointed out that the Labour Party under Tony Blair and Gordon Brown had reclassified flying the Union Jack as criminal assault, while anyone eating pork products in front of any religion at all, including Jedis, and using the word "patriotism" in any context other than sneering self-loathing, was liable to be charged with assault with intent to do grievous multicultural harm.

Source: Hayibo

The scary thing is that it almost doesn't sound like satire at all...

Ice Age 3

I took Morgan along to see Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs 3D on Sunday. It was a competent movie - not funny in the same way as Toy Story or Chicken Run, but heart-warming, with some amusing moments. The baby T-Rexes were terribly cute. The 3D effect was not too "in your face", and the animation was generally good, though I thought the frame-rate on some of the fast-moving scenes wasn't quite smooth enough. There was one scene, of Diego chasing an antelope, that was really well done; it was perfectly obvious that the animators had seem clips of cheetahs or lions chasing antelope.